Remember This

I cannot stare at you without smiling because no matter what I know you will always see me, in the darkness of your room, the 1am kitchen snacks, in your record room surrounded by amazing music I would never listen to without you.

We're sitting in your record room my feet on your lap, your hand on my feet as you scroll through the pages on the screen, smiling glances here and there, just craving to live in this moment forever.
From laying on the ground to playing around in the kitchen; oh how I wish these kisses were endless, forever in this moment with you.

Numb

There are no feelings, no emotion, I just feel like a walking corps wishing for death.

I have everything but nothing, because what can you have if you don't accept it, arms holding me through the night but constantly wanting more, constantly thinking what if.

What if there's better, what if I'm not enough; to be everything someone needs, insecurities holding me back, anxiety about nothing and everything.

I'm so afraid, so scared, so angry at everyone but really just myself. Afraid to grow, angry that I'm not growing. Hoping changing how I look will change me or how people perceive me like it should matter.

Angry that people think I'm beautiful and kind, but inside I cannot stop judging, hating because of my own self hate.

What is wrong with me?
Drunk texts constantly asking anyone who will respond "what is wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?"
Torn between taking my life and wanting to live it to the fullest.
Wanting to have dreams but lacking the self confidence to set any because.. I don't believe I can achive anything or be enough to matter.

Just numb, wanting to cut, drink, to smoke. Anything to feel or maybe just forget myself.

Closed Eyes

When I close my eyes I see you;
I see your white patch of hair on your side burns, I see your green eyes looking back at me with that damn look like I am the moon and the stars right in front of him, I see your face soft and expressionless as you drift asleep.

When I close my eyes I Imagine how I got up this morning not wanting to leave your sheets, warm from your touch, and you moving only to pull me in closer or to kiss my head and my face, too many times to count.

When I close my eyes I don't expect to see the darkness behind my eyelids, I expect to see how you nuzzle your face into my neck when you hold me and how you kiss me softly on the chest when our legs are infinitely intertwined.

Oh how I wish to be in your ice box of a room so I can lay on your warm chest as you rub my back till I fall asleep only to wake up once again dreading the fact I have to get up and leave.

Not even a day has passed, yet my my body aches for your embrace, your damn unbearable tickles that only pull me in closer; So I close my eyes.

My Name is Sydney Nicole.

Faded

I may have erased and forgotten the beautiful texts but I will always remember the hurtful words. I no longer remember your touch or the certain way that you kissed, all I remember was that it was different.

 I may have forgotten the way that you smell, but I know that if you hugged me it would all come back; from the dates and the late nights, to the morning breath and the smell of sweat. If you hugged me I would remember the day you told me you asked her out and would no longer be here, the way it made my chest collapse and how I couldn't stop hitting and screaming with tears streaming down my face, how you only stayed because you were afraid I would slit my wrist and you didn't want it to be because of you. 

It is all fading, being replaced by new memories with new people, but oh my hell if you hugged me... How it would all come back.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue.

Death to the insecurities, death to the shyness. 

Death to to the feelings of not being enough, not being handsome, and not being what they all want you to be.

Death to the haters and the feelings of jealousy. To the thoughts of destruction and harm.

To the boy who convinced you with words that you were nothing, that you have chubby cheeks and would be better off gone.

Death to the feeling of rejection, from teacher who only pretend to listen, from the boy who is now crushing on a different girl. 

Death to the feelings of failure from the grades in art to the grades in PE because to be an amazing person you have to pass them all with flying colors or else you don't matter in this world.

Death to the hurt in your chest when he tells you he doesn't love you, and to the pain in your chest when years later you see him with his new wife.

Death to the hurt in your chest when your friends and parents call you names when they yell at you and tell you your wrong.

Death to the awkwardness you feel when you walk into a room and they all stare and makes you wish you'd never walked in at all.

Death to the regret of not living your life the way others want you to, because in the end it's your life, not theirs.

You deserve better than the hate filled words that feel like bricks pilling in your chest, The lack of self love you truly deserve. Put aside all the bad, Not to forget but to help build yourself higher and Stronger than before.

You deserve the Moon and more, you have no limits just what you hold yourself back from achieving, the only wall in your way is you and once you learn to break it down you will be Infinite.

I want to Live inside the Music*

I want to go through life, with the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on, How you feel it rising in your chest down to the butterflies dancing in your stomach. The excitement and Happiness of singing your heart out in the car or in your bedroom with headphones in.

Because that is how we should all live life feeling. Not a world consumed by dark days and temporary happiness here and there. 

That is a Hypocritical thing of me to say, because like every other teenager struggling with depression, you can't just tell some one to stop being sad and it will magically cure them. Sadness isn't a decision it's a condition the chemical signal from the brain. In small ways though we can choose to change it.

 Smile not frown, don't let Netflix become your best friend, say yes to going out with friends, say yes to that extra scoop of ice cream, treat yourself, venture out of your comfort zone.

 It won't make your sadness disappear, but it will give you room to grow and smile. Give room for happy moments that have been blocked by the sadness you choose to let consume you completely.

 There will always be cloudy days, even stormy days, but then again the sun will always be shining above the clouds. You just have to push yourself to grow and love, they only way to get better is for you to really want it and get up. My god I know how hard and painful days can be, but choose to not let that define you, you're amazing and the universe has so many beautiful things ahead for you. Push through the hard days but never forget to look up and admire the stars.