My Name is Sydney Nicole.

Faded

I may have erased and forgotten the beautiful texts but I will always remember the hurtful words. I no longer remember your touch or the certain way that you kissed, all I remember was that it was different.

 I may have forgotten the way that you smell, but I know that if you hugged me it would all come back; from the dates and the late nights, to the morning breath and the smell of sweat. If you hugged me I would remember the day you told me you asked her out and would no longer be here, the way it made my chest collapse and how I couldn't stop hitting and screaming with tears streaming down my face, how you only stayed because you were afraid I would slit my wrist and you didn't want it to be because of you. 

It is all fading, being replaced by new memories with new people, but oh my hell if you hugged me... How it would all come back.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue.

Death to the insecurities, death to the shyness. 

Death to to the feelings of not being enough, not being handsome, and not being what they all want you to be.

Death to the haters and the feelings of jealousy. To the thoughts of destruction and harm.

To the boy who convinced you with words that you were nothing, that you have chubby cheeks and would be better off gone.

Death to the feeling of rejection, from teacher who only pretend to listen, from the boy who is now crushing on a different girl. 

Death to the feelings of failure from the grades in art to the grades in PE because to be an amazing person you have to pass them all with flying colors or else you don't matter in this world.

Death to the hurt in your chest when he tells you he doesn't love you, and to the pain in your chest when years later you see him with his new wife.

Death to the hurt in your chest when your friends and parents call you names when they yell at you and tell you your wrong.

Death to the awkwardness you feel when you walk into a room and they all stare and makes you wish you'd never walked in at all.

Death to the regret of not living your life the way others want you to, because in the end it's your life, not theirs.

You deserve better than the hate filled words that feel like bricks pilling in your chest, The lack of self love you truly deserve. Put aside all the bad, Not to forget but to help build yourself higher and Stronger than before.

You deserve the Moon and more, you have no limits just what you hold yourself back from achieving, the only wall in your way is you and once you learn to break it down you will be Infinite.

I want to Live inside the Music*

I want to go through life, with the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on, How you feel it rising in your chest down to the butterflies dancing in your stomach. The excitement and Happiness of singing your heart out in the car or in your bedroom with headphones in.

Because that is how we should all live life feeling. Not a world consumed by dark days and temporary happiness here and there. 

That is a Hypocritical thing of me to say, because like every other teenager struggling with depression, you can't just tell some one to stop being sad and it will magically cure them. Sadness isn't a decision it's a condition the chemical signal from the brain. In small ways though we can choose to change it.

 Smile not frown, don't let Netflix become your best friend, say yes to going out with friends, say yes to that extra scoop of ice cream, treat yourself, venture out of your comfort zone.

 It won't make your sadness disappear, but it will give you room to grow and smile. Give room for happy moments that have been blocked by the sadness you choose to let consume you completely.

 There will always be cloudy days, even stormy days, but then again the sun will always be shining above the clouds. You just have to push yourself to grow and love, they only way to get better is for you to really want it and get up. My god I know how hard and painful days can be, but choose to not let that define you, you're amazing and the universe has so many beautiful things ahead for you. Push through the hard days but never forget to look up and admire the stars.

processing...

We all have that moment of truth where we just sit there looking into the mirror just going over our imperfections, putting ourselves down until,  just feeling so discusted we look away. 

Drinking makes you depressed. But the more we drink to get better, the worse we feel in the mornings when the illusions are gone. I wish I was that person at the party who just always took to much and passed out happy and woke up feeling like shit, not the girl who allowed herself to get pulled into dark rooms and woke up feeling worthless and disgusting. 

We all self distruct wether it's physical or mental, it's something everyone does. From cutting your thighs to refusing to look in mirrors, And avoiding food to making scale tell you who you are. No need to deny or come forward, it's a nasty human trait. 

Now a days, we find ourselves falling for people we just met... 

Cheers and Shit

彼女は美しいめちゃくちゃだ

We all want to be beautiful/Handsome. We all have different definitions of beautiful, different images we see as beautiful.

 

Everyone is beautiful, no matter who they are or how they live, everyone is amazing. 

Thin or not, we've all heard it before, but here it is again. For boys and girls, your body image means nothing, no matter what your size you are goddamn amazing!!! 

The only thing that shows who you are is your personality and how you treat others. No matter how good you look if you're a jerk, you are perceived as an ugly person, it's not easy liking someone if they're mean to people. Huge turn off! 

No matter if you're a boy or girl, mean is ugly.

Lets use actors and artist as an example for a sec. 

So you watch a movie, listen to a new top song and you just love the main actor/ artist, you watch more movies and listen to more songs and you really like them. But then you stumble across a video of them bashing on a race or religion very harshly.

Honestly that just does it for me, yeah I could still watch their movies and listen to music but I just won't see the person the same.