Remember This

I cannot stare at you without smiling because no matter what I know you will always see me, in the darkness of your room, the 1am kitchen snacks, in your record room surrounded by amazing music I would never listen to without you.

We're sitting in your record room my feet on your lap, your hand on my feet as you scroll through the pages on the screen, smiling glances here and there, just craving to live in this moment forever.
From laying on the ground to playing around in the kitchen; oh how I wish these kisses were endless, forever in this moment with you.

Numb

There are no feelings, no emotion, I just feel like a walking corps wishing for death.

I have everything but nothing, because what can you have if you don't accept it, arms holding me through the night but constantly wanting more, constantly thinking what if.

What if there's better, what if I'm not enough; to be everything someone needs, insecurities holding me back, anxiety about nothing and everything.

I'm so afraid, so scared, so angry at everyone but really just myself. Afraid to grow, angry that I'm not growing. Hoping changing how I look will change me or how people perceive me like it should matter.

Angry that people think I'm beautiful and kind, but inside I cannot stop judging, hating because of my own self hate.

What is wrong with me?
Drunk texts constantly asking anyone who will respond "what is wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?"
Torn between taking my life and wanting to live it to the fullest.
Wanting to have dreams but lacking the self confidence to set any because.. I don't believe I can achive anything or be enough to matter.

Just numb, wanting to cut, drink, to smoke. Anything to feel or maybe just forget myself.

Closed Eyes

When I close my eyes I see you;
I see your white patch of hair on your side burns, I see your green eyes looking back at me with that damn look like I am the moon and the stars right in front of him, I see your face soft and expressionless as you drift asleep.

When I close my eyes I Imagine how I got up this morning not wanting to leave your sheets, warm from your touch, and you moving only to pull me in closer or to kiss my head and my face, too many times to count.

When I close my eyes I don't expect to see the darkness behind my eyelids, I expect to see how you nuzzle your face into my neck when you hold me and how you kiss me softly on the chest when our legs are infinitely intertwined.

Oh how I wish to be in your ice box of a room so I can lay on your warm chest as you rub my back till I fall asleep only to wake up once again dreading the fact I have to get up and leave.

Not even a day has passed, yet my my body aches for your embrace, your damn unbearable tickles that only pull me in closer; So I close my eyes.