I want to Live inside the Music*

I want to go through life, with the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on, How you feel it rising in your chest down to the butterflies dancing in your stomach. The excitement and Happiness of singing your heart out in the car or in your bedroom with headphones in.

Because that is how we should all live life feeling. Not a world consumed by dark days and temporary happiness here and there. 

That is a Hypocritical thing of me to say, because like every other teenager struggling with depression, you can't just tell some one to stop being sad and it will magically cure them. Sadness isn't a decision it's a condition the chemical signal from the brain. In small ways though we can choose to change it.

 Smile not frown, don't let Netflix become your best friend, say yes to going out with friends, say yes to that extra scoop of ice cream, treat yourself, venture out of your comfort zone.

 It won't make your sadness disappear, but it will give you room to grow and smile. Give room for happy moments that have been blocked by the sadness you choose to let consume you completely.

 There will always be cloudy days, even stormy days, but then again the sun will always be shining above the clouds. You just have to push yourself to grow and love, they only way to get better is for you to really want it and get up. My god I know how hard and painful days can be, but choose to not let that define you, you're amazing and the universe has so many beautiful things ahead for you. Push through the hard days but never forget to look up and admire the stars.

processing...

We all have that moment of truth where we just sit there looking into the mirror just going over our imperfections, putting ourselves down until,  just feeling so discusted we look away. 

Drinking makes you depressed. But the more we drink to get better, the worse we feel in the mornings when the illusions are gone. I wish I was that person at the party who just always took to much and passed out happy and woke up feeling like shit, not the girl who allowed herself to get pulled into dark rooms and woke up feeling worthless and disgusting. 

We all self distruct wether it's physical or mental, it's something everyone does. From cutting your thighs to refusing to look in mirrors, And avoiding food to making scale tell you who you are. No need to deny or come forward, it's a nasty human trait. 

Now a days, we find ourselves falling for people we just met... 

Cheers and Shit

彼女は美しいめちゃくちゃだ

We all want to be beautiful/Handsome. We all have different definitions of beautiful, different images we see as beautiful.

 

Everyone is beautiful, no matter who they are or how they live, everyone is amazing. 

Thin or not, we've all heard it before, but here it is again. For boys and girls, your body image means nothing, no matter what your size you are goddamn amazing!!! 

The only thing that shows who you are is your personality and how you treat others. No matter how good you look if you're a jerk, you are perceived as an ugly person, it's not easy liking someone if they're mean to people. Huge turn off! 

No matter if you're a boy or girl, mean is ugly.

Lets use actors and artist as an example for a sec. 

So you watch a movie, listen to a new top song and you just love the main actor/ artist, you watch more movies and listen to more songs and you really like them. But then you stumble across a video of them bashing on a race or religion very harshly.

Honestly that just does it for me, yeah I could still watch their movies and listen to music but I just won't see the person the same.

#Stolen

Delete her number. 

Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?

She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.

Lets be straightforward here

I want everything from life, the good, the bad, the adventures, the lessons, all of it

We all have favorites, they may be ourselves  top five out of all twenty, but remember there is always room for more. Your top five will never stay the same, doesn't mean the top five right now won't be in your top twenty, but through your life you will find more things that will fascinate you or will dance on your taste buds and make you smile. 

We went though the fases of love and bricks but what about cement inbetween the bricks. What about the stories of old love you base your relationships off of?

I grew up in Provo, there was a girl who lived with her parents and grandparents up the street, she was the girl who you just wanted to be: pretty, stylish, and just love able. She was my friend until she started bashing on my best friend Brooke, because she was a bit bigger and shy. And the thing with little kids is we don't think about how people think of us we have such raw feeling and thoughts and have our perspective of right and wrong. But I told her Brooke is my best friend and I'm no longer her friend because she was being mean and saying rude things about my best friend. 

What I'm trying to get to here is that we have lost that raw emotion or at least the action part of it. We over think think the aftermath of it all and just even what the person will think about us afterward, and honestly that's just bullshit. Our friend could have a booger in their nose and we don't want to be rude and embarrass them so we say nothing but if you had a little kid with you they would straight up tell you you have shit hanging out of your nose. I miss that, the straight forwardness of it all.