Faded

I may have erased and forgotten the beautiful texts but I will always remember the hurtful words. I no longer remember your touch or the certain way that you kissed, all I remember was that it was different.

 I may have forgotten the way that you smell, but I know that if you hugged me it would all come back; from the dates and the late nights, to the morning breath and the smell of sweat. If you hugged me I would remember the day you told me you asked her out and would no longer be here, the way it made my chest collapse and how I couldn't stop hitting and screaming with tears streaming down my face, how you only stayed because you were afraid I would slit my wrist and you didn't want it to be because of you. 

It is all fading, being replaced by new memories with new people, but oh my hell if you hugged me... How it would all come back.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue.

Death to the insecurities, death to the shyness. 

Death to to the feelings of not being enough, not being handsome, and not being what they all want you to be.

Death to the haters and the feelings of jealousy. To the thoughts of destruction and harm.

To the boy who convinced you with words that you were nothing, that you have chubby cheeks and would be better off gone.

Death to the feeling of rejection, from teacher who only pretend to listen, from the boy who is now crushing on a different girl. 

Death to the feelings of failure from the grades in art to the grades in PE because to be an amazing person you have to pass them all with flying colors or else you don't matter in this world.

Death to the hurt in your chest when he tells you he doesn't love you, and to the pain in your chest when years later you see him with his new wife.

Death to the hurt in your chest when your friends and parents call you names when they yell at you and tell you your wrong.

Death to the awkwardness you feel when you walk into a room and they all stare and makes you wish you'd never walked in at all.

Death to the regret of not living your life the way others want you to, because in the end it's your life, not theirs.

You deserve better than the hate filled words that feel like bricks pilling in your chest, The lack of self love you truly deserve. Put aside all the bad, Not to forget but to help build yourself higher and Stronger than before.

You deserve the Moon and more, you have no limits just what you hold yourself back from achieving, the only wall in your way is you and once you learn to break it down you will be Infinite.

I want to Live inside the Music*

I want to go through life, with the feeling you get when your favorite song comes on, How you feel it rising in your chest down to the butterflies dancing in your stomach. The excitement and Happiness of singing your heart out in the car or in your bedroom with headphones in.

Because that is how we should all live life feeling. Not a world consumed by dark days and temporary happiness here and there. 

That is a Hypocritical thing of me to say, because like every other teenager struggling with depression, you can't just tell some one to stop being sad and it will magically cure them. Sadness isn't a decision it's a condition the chemical signal from the brain. In small ways though we can choose to change it.

 Smile not frown, don't let Netflix become your best friend, say yes to going out with friends, say yes to that extra scoop of ice cream, treat yourself, venture out of your comfort zone.

 It won't make your sadness disappear, but it will give you room to grow and smile. Give room for happy moments that have been blocked by the sadness you choose to let consume you completely.

 There will always be cloudy days, even stormy days, but then again the sun will always be shining above the clouds. You just have to push yourself to grow and love, they only way to get better is for you to really want it and get up. My god I know how hard and painful days can be, but choose to not let that define you, you're amazing and the universe has so many beautiful things ahead for you. Push through the hard days but never forget to look up and admire the stars.

processing...

We all have that moment of truth where we just sit there looking into the mirror just going over our imperfections, putting ourselves down until,  just feeling so discusted we look away. 

Drinking makes you depressed. But the more we drink to get better, the worse we feel in the mornings when the illusions are gone. I wish I was that person at the party who just always took to much and passed out happy and woke up feeling like shit, not the girl who allowed herself to get pulled into dark rooms and woke up feeling worthless and disgusting. 

We all self distruct wether it's physical or mental, it's something everyone does. From cutting your thighs to refusing to look in mirrors, And avoiding food to making scale tell you who you are. No need to deny or come forward, it's a nasty human trait. 

Now a days, we find ourselves falling for people we just met... 

Cheers and Shit

彼女は美しいめちゃくちゃだ

We all want to be beautiful/Handsome. We all have different definitions of beautiful, different images we see as beautiful.

 

Everyone is beautiful, no matter who they are or how they live, everyone is amazing. 

Thin or not, we've all heard it before, but here it is again. For boys and girls, your body image means nothing, no matter what your size you are goddamn amazing!!! 

The only thing that shows who you are is your personality and how you treat others. No matter how good you look if you're a jerk, you are perceived as an ugly person, it's not easy liking someone if they're mean to people. Huge turn off! 

No matter if you're a boy or girl, mean is ugly.

Lets use actors and artist as an example for a sec. 

So you watch a movie, listen to a new top song and you just love the main actor/ artist, you watch more movies and listen to more songs and you really like them. But then you stumble across a video of them bashing on a race or religion very harshly.

Honestly that just does it for me, yeah I could still watch their movies and listen to music but I just won't see the person the same.

#Stolen

Delete her number. 

Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?

She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.

Lets be straightforward here

I want everything from life, the good, the bad, the adventures, the lessons, all of it

We all have favorites, they may be ourselves  top five out of all twenty, but remember there is always room for more. Your top five will never stay the same, doesn't mean the top five right now won't be in your top twenty, but through your life you will find more things that will fascinate you or will dance on your taste buds and make you smile. 

We went though the fases of love and bricks but what about cement inbetween the bricks. What about the stories of old love you base your relationships off of?

I grew up in Provo, there was a girl who lived with her parents and grandparents up the street, she was the girl who you just wanted to be: pretty, stylish, and just love able. She was my friend until she started bashing on my best friend Brooke, because she was a bit bigger and shy. And the thing with little kids is we don't think about how people think of us we have such raw feeling and thoughts and have our perspective of right and wrong. But I told her Brooke is my best friend and I'm no longer her friend because she was being mean and saying rude things about my best friend. 

What I'm trying to get to here is that we have lost that raw emotion or at least the action part of it. We over think think the aftermath of it all and just even what the person will think about us afterward, and honestly that's just bullshit. Our friend could have a booger in their nose and we don't want to be rude and embarrass them so we say nothing but if you had a little kid with you they would straight up tell you you have shit hanging out of your nose. I miss that, the straight forwardness of it all. 

Ten Word Story

"This is the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix." 

"You can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that it’s him."

"I don’t love him but he’s here and you aren’t."

Psh Parents!

I'm here in First period blogging while listening to the teacher repeatedly say the words "testicle, sperm, ovary, balls, sack, and sex" btw this is not a health class! I won't tell you what it is for the sake of the teacher. But hey good background noise for my blogging.

Onward!!

Lady just came in to see if I was at school because my parents called. Not my fault they took my phone and car, I will take advantage of that by avoiding them as much as possible, you have no way of contacting your child now :b #punks 

Spoons In the Freezer

The lost in moment, I feel everything I see everything, every little particle. I keep my eyes closed because it takes me farther into my imagination and I know this only last a few hours tops, but it's a few hours I will always take.

I look at the lights and see "the little swirly things" as we all used to call them in elementary school. I see them as a wall, more like a protective barrier, I feel safe having them between me and reality. Because I know when I wake my mother will see the markings on my skin that wernt there when she went to sleep and look at me with those eyes of disappointment.

I realize I've been clenching my jaw, but I don't want to stop. By this time most of you will know what I am doing or even the slightest of what I'm talking about, I'm glad you've been on my level.

Every time I close my eyes I'm somewhere different. Even for him he goes to his own little scenes of darkness where ever the inside of your mind will take you. He told me it felt like we were in a castle, but I'm not as visual, I see scenery and colors no people just that.

It's seems as if I've forgotten an earring in  the sea of sheets I've left behind.

Today is a new day, or as if we pretend. Today is just yesterday but full of the forward unknown, anything can happen, that is what gives us hope but at the same time is filled with horror of anything is "going" to happen.

It's seems I have put on the wrong shirt by mistake, I don't see how I am only now seeing this. This isn't mine.

 But don't worry my socks are all the same. Lets see how school can take me this morning. 

Spoons in the freezer and quarters on the counter, my mother still hasn't got a clue to what those mean. Even though I'm pretty sure my Step-Father knows quiet well what that means, but chooses to keep my scecret for the fear of worrying my mother, to tell her what I do under the stars of the night and the freedom of not being under her roof.

That look he gives me or somewhat doesn't give me. When I sit up and look at him, he looks away with a straight face and pulls me in closer. Nobody's ever done that to me before, so I can't tell if he feels uncomfortable or if I should. So I just lay on his chest and close my eyes tight. Because for now it's better than here.

They all warned me

My mother warned me about cigarettes that could cause cancer

But she never told me that self-hatred can grow faster than any tumour ever could

My father warned me that I should never stop thinking

But he never told me that overthinking would kill my happiness

My sister warned me about other people who might make hurtful comments about me

But she never told me that instead of hearing someone else’s voice, I’d hear my own

My brother warned me about drugs in baggies sold on the street,

But he never told me about the ones that people put in your glass when you’re not looking

My grandmother warned me about the devil with his tail and red horns

But she never told me about his angelic smile and dark, ocean blue eyes

My grandfather warned me about booze that could kill

But he never told me that if you drink enough alcohol, it tastes like love

My cousin warned me that I should love my virginity to a guy I love

But she never told me he should love me, too

My aunt warned me that if I kept eating that much, I might vomit

But she never told me that even without eating anything, you can hang over the toilet and puke

My baby sitter warned me that a boy could break my heart

But she never told me that if I made him mad, he’d also break my arm and nose

My teacher warned me about dangerous men with knives that could cut my throat

But she never told me that I didn’t need these men to cut my skin

They all warned me that I shouldn’t do dangerous things that could kill me

But I never had the chance to ask them if slitting both of my wrists vertically

And taking thirty-eight aspirins, was one of these dangerous things 

-d.a.n

Don't stay

"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there."

What is the lust in love?

My stubbornness of feelings:

My love of friends and family:

My Lust for Guys:

My love for food:

My love for Music and Artists:

My lust for tattoos<3 :

My love for children and a family:

(Amazing Concert BTW!!!)

The chill of an empty bed

I lay here to the sound of the air conditioner, lost in thought, and only to notice the sound when it stops.

My bed once made, now a mess. I'm cold but too lazy to grab the blanket off the floor, so I just lay here. 

The clock says 3:55 and I know I have to get up and get dressed, I have work at 4:30.

 I'd rather just lay here on my pillow because it still holds the scent of you.

I don't know wether to feel happy that you came, or sad that you left. 

No time to worry I have work soon and my thoughts have the tendency to chain me to the bed. I get dressed staring at the shoe prints you left behind, and glance at the spot where your truck was once sitting not too long ago, as I get in my car.

I love you, and I miss you already.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

Awake at 5:40am. No alarm just the fact that I just really had to pee, so technically yes "The Bathroom Alarm."

As I was saying. Up at 5:40am with the "sudden urge" to wake up and walk to the bathroom, tired and too early for lights but my eyes adjust. The first thing I know that needs to be done is my hair, no need to bother that its almost 6am, just as long as I get it done now I don't have to do it later. Simple but cute, done. 

Now this is the hardest part of getting ready in the morning, getting dresses! I know that I always change my mind so close to last second, every time! So I start with bottoms. But I saw a dress and  I just couldn't resist(:

Now makeup, easy enough. Now the rush to eat and get out of the house before my mom reminds me how many minutes left before I have to leave to get to school on time. If Im not ready to leave on time my mom will make my step dad wake up and drive me just to piss me off and ignoring the fact that it will just make me even more late. (Grr).

A-Z Kisses

Forehead kisses: you plant them like seeds, spreading warmth like roots reaching through each little crevice of my body.

Eyelid kisses: you wish me goodnight in the softest way possible. My eyes hold traces of your lips so that when I wake up I’ll have a bit of you with me. I swear there’s nothing more comforting than opening my eyes and seeing your face looking back at me. 

Nose kisses: I could drown in the lingering smell of wind and aftershave on your skin.

Cheek kisses: I thought they were overrated until you came along. I sunk into your chest and drifted off to sea with the gentle rise and fall of your chest. Your lips were so gentle, I thought it was the ocean spray dancing across my face. Laying in your arms was like floating in high tide without worrying about the water burning my lungs. 

Mouth kisses: damn you know how to shut me up. You steal the words right out of my mouth and roll them on your tongue before whispering a response through my lips. I hide your words on the roof of my mouth so I can taste them even when you’re gone. 

Neck kisses: they drive me crazy. Your lips leave a roadmap from the edge of my collarbone all the way back to my mouth. You’ve explored every part of me; I’m not scared that you’ll get lost anymore.

Chest kisses: you feel my heart pulsing under your lips. I wonder if you can taste all the beats it skipped since your mouth started planting flowers between my ribs.

Arm kisses: you bandage my scars with your soft, gentile mouth.

Fingertip kisses: I am an artist and I leave traces of you in every piece I make. I can’t help but try to mix a green in my pallet that matches your eyes. I came close once, but still it wasn’t nearly as beautiful as the real thing.

Tummy kisses: you send love sprouting through the edges of me that I hate most. I swear you have seeds hidden under your tongue, because I keep finding dandelions in all my cracks.

Ankle kisses: I dance to the rhythm of your heartbeat. Our first slow dance you held me so close I felt safe for the first time in years.

Your kisses: draw constellations across my  skin. I don’t have to look at the sky to find hope anymore, I can sip it from the stars you left on my lips.

17 things I learned by the time I was 17

1. People will promise to never leave you. They will. It’s okay to be sad when they do.

2. It is always okay to cry. Always. Find a bathroom, bury your face in your pillow, and let it out. Cry in the shower. Cry in the car. Cry when you need to.

3. Boys will flirt with you for a while and then ignore you. Then, they will flirt with you some more. It will be confusing. You have every right to stop putting up with it.

4. Pay attention to what people say when they’re angry. When you make up and they tell you they didn’t mean any of it, know that they did. Also know that they wish they didn’t. Forgive them.

5. Never pretend to be someone you’re not. If you don’t like tea and classic novels, don’t act like you do to impress people. If you don’t want to wear leather jackets and combat boots, don’t wear them to please someone else.

6. People will be mean to you; they will spread lies, call you names, and talk about you behind your back. Eventually you will realize that it is petty and stupid and not worth your time. You’ll be right. Move on with your life.

7. Your friends will not always be there for you. When you really need to talk, they will sometimes not want to hear it. That’s okay. Take a deep breath and remember all the times you felt the same way. Exhale.

8. You will wait and wait and wait for your first kiss and your first date and your first relationship. The anticipation will kill you. You will keep trying to find the right person in everyone you meet. Relax. There’s no rush. The best things happen unplanned.

9. Enjoy being young. Love that everything is spontaneous. As you get older, things become more and more scheduled out. Embrace the fact that you aren’t there yet.

10. Tell people how you feel. It will be terrifying in some cases and gratifying in others. It will create relationships and ruin them. But speak your mind, even if your voice shakes, because your thoughts may never otherwise be heard.

11. Sleep. If you go to bed late, sleep in. If you’re still tired when you wake up, go back to bed. If you can’t stay awake during the day, take a nap. Sleeping is a foolproof way of getting rid of your problems for a little while. Utilize it.

12. Talk to people. Talk to your sister about the guy she likes. Talk to your mom about her childhood. Talk to your dad about his favorite books. Talk to your grandparents about their families. Talk to your friends, talk to your pets, talk to the cute waitress at the restaurant. Learn things from them. Be inspired.

13. Always bring a sweater. Even if you think it won’t be cold.

14. Try new things. Eat a new food, try a new kind of juice, switch up the way you dress. You never know what you might end up loving. Life can get boring. Mix it up a bit.

15. Take care of yourself. Wash your hair with that good smelling soap you love. Eat fruits and vegetables. Drink lots of water. Go for long walks in pretty parks.

16. School is important. Try your hardest. If you don’t get something, ask for help. Do your homework. Show your teachers that you’re willing to work hard, and when it comes time to apply to colleges, you’ll be glad you did.

17. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, funnier, or more popular than you. The beauty of it is that it isn’t a competition.

Stop being a butt :b

Just because I have a license and a car doesn't mean I can't ride my bike to my friends house or to the pool. Don't tell me rib sticks are so 3 years ago because Im in the mood to ride one right now. if I feel like having a rib stick war with my friends, you'd better believe that we're gonna have one. 

I'm not very original when it comes to drawing, I love coloring books, I love filling in the empty spaces and coloring in the lines. The challenge of either keeping a strict color code or plain out all colorful. Im not ashamed of being a senior in high school who buys spongebob coloring books, hell! I love spongebob! 

Lets talk Legos, doesn't matter if you like them or not. For me if you put a box of Legos in front of me just random pieces, no instructions you bet your ass I'm going to start sticking pieces together. No matter how old, 40 or 15, if you are just sitting somewhere with nothing to do and you see a box of Legos just sitting there, there is no way to stop you. You are bound to start sticking pieces together and creating something awesome. 

Make these your weekly goals,

If you like someone, wait.

Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.

Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.

Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.

Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.

Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.

Meet someone new, even just a friend.

Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.

Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.

Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are. 

Listen to new music.

Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.

It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.

Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.

Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.

Make new memories.

Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.

Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.

Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time. 

Learn to love every bit of yourself.

Boy advice from someone who made the same mistakes too often

1. If he doesn’t answer, don’t keep sending texts. If he wanted to talk to you, he would’ve responded.

2. People will make time for you when they care about you. If he says he’s too busy or constantly cancels his plans, he doesn’t care. People fight for you when they care.

3. Don’t let him touch you on the first date. If he tries, he’s not there for the same reasons you are.

4. You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite book.

5. If he can stomach more than ten straight shots without feeling a thing, he drinks too much.

6. Ask the uncomfortable things. When was the last time he was so high he couldn’t speak? What does he regret the most? Does he drink to remember or to forget?

7. Don’t send pictures unless you want to. If he has to talk you into it, don’t do it. If you hesitate, don’t do it. If you do take a picture, don’t include your face. Keep yourself safe.

8. If you can’t laugh when you’re having sex with him, maybe you aren’t sleeping with the right person. Sex isn’t about tricks and tips and routines.

9. If he hurts you, cut him out. He’s gone, he isn’t coming back, and you don’t need to prolong the pain.

10. Don’t be afraid to open up again. I promise not everyone will love you with a knife behind their back.